Why You’re Scaring People Away in Conversations (And How to Fix It Without Losing Your Spark)

Let’s Be Honest…

Have you ever seen someone take a literal step back when you’re mid-story?
It’s like you’re talking about your weekend plans and suddenly they’re acting like you just revealed you have a pet tarantula named “Mr. Fuzzy.”

The truth? You might be unintentionally scaring people away in conversations…and not in a “Boo!” Halloween kind of way, but in a “Wow, this feels intense” kind of way.

And here’s the kicker… it’s probably not what you’re saying…it’s how you’re saying it!

There’s actually Science of Social “Back Away Slowly” Moments

Humans are wired to scan for social threats just as much as physical ones. Psychologists call this the “threat response”—a quick assessment our brains make when deciding whether to lean in or pull away.

According to Dr. Albert Mehrabian’s classic communication model, 93% of communication is nonverbal (tone, body language, facial expression) and only 7% is the actual words you use. That means your energy in conversation matters more than your vocabulary.

And here’s another stat that might make you sit up straighter:

• A 2018 Harvard study found that people form first impressions in as little as 7 seconds—and those impressions are surprisingly hard to change. If your first few seconds read as “too intense” or “pushy,” you’re playing uphill for the rest of the conversation.

There are Common “Conversation Scare” Habits

Let’s call out the usual suspects that can send someone’s social radar into overdrive:

1. Volume Creep – You start enthusiastic, but without realizing, your voice gets louder and louder. (This is fine in a concert, less so in a coffee shop.)

2. Eye Contact Lockdown – Intense, unblinking eye contact can make people feel like they’re being interrogated, not connected with.

3. Topic Hijacking – Every conversation somehow circles back to your experiences or achievements. (People love stories—just not always your story.)

4. Pace Like You’re Late for a Flight – Speaking at rapid-fire speed can overwhelm listeners, even if your words are gold.

How do you Fix It???

Here’s the good news…You don’t have to shrink yourself to make people feel comfortable…you just need to adjust your approach.

1. Mirror, Don’t Mimic
Match the other person’s energy level, tone, and pace. This is called the chameleon effect, and research from Psychological Science shows it increases likability and connection.

2. Give Conversations “Air”
Think of dialogue like music—pauses create rhythm. Aim for a 1-2 second pause after someone finishes speaking before you respond. This signals you’re listening, not waiting to talk.

3. Mind Your Proximity
Personal space preferences vary, but the general rule is about 18 inches to 4 feet for casual conversations. If you’re too close, people instinctively lean back (and possibly into escape mode).

4. Lead With Curiosity
Ask at least two follow-up questions for every story you share. A Harvard Business Review study found that people who ask more questions are rated as more likable…especially when those questions are open-ended.

 Why Does This Matter for Your Career & Relationships??

Your conversational style directly affects your personal brand. Whether you’re networking, leading a team, or just trying to make a new friend, the ability to put people at ease is a superpower.

A Gallup poll found that employees who feel heard are 4.6 times more likely to feel empowered to do their best work. Translation: mastering connection isn’t just nice—it’s a competitive advantage.

Your Conversation Reset Challenge

For the next week, try this:

• Check your energy level before each conversation…especially in the first 10 seconds.

• Count your questions. Aim for at least two thoughtful questions before launching into your own stories.

• Record yourself (voice only) in a casual conversation and play it back. Notice your tone, pace, and pauses.

Final Takeaway…

You don’t need to dim your personality to avoid scaring people away—you just need to fine-tune the dials. Bring your enthusiasm, but package it in a way that makes people feel seen, heard, and comfortable.

Because in the end, great conversations aren’t about dazzling someone with your words…they’re about making the other person walk away thinking,

“Wow… I really liked talking to them.”

Three things to ALWAYS remember:

Be CONFIDENT!

Be EMPATHETIC!

AND ALWAYS HAVE PASSION!!!!