Why Winning an Argument Isn’t Worth It (and the CLEAR Way to Handle Conflict)

This topic makes me think of a situation where I found myself in somewhat of an argument with my boss. I’m working on a high visibility project with another team where the other team is withholding information and stalling progress. 

He made a comment that this project is becoming a finger pointing game and it really ticked me off because he doesn’t know the truth about what is going on. 

I didn’t get the chance to say much because I usually can’t get a word in edgewise, so I put myself on mute and tried to not show my anger on my face since of course, I’m on camera. 

All I could get out of my mouth was, “I don’t agree with your assessment.” 

It didn’t matter…he went on with his comments and I sat there and listened. 

In my head, I really had something to say, but it is never worth it because no matter what I did say…he had his own impression of the situation that I could not change. 

I always say, control the controllable and this was one of those situations.

And, knowing his personality, I know he will fight to be right and fight to win. He’s what I call a “right fighter” …always fighting to be right. Not that this makes him a bad person, because I do like him. But I know his controlling personality, and I also have learned that there are other ways to navigate rather than trying to be a “right fighter” myself.

So, you might be thinking…why would you not stick up for yourself? I get it.

We want to put out that zinger that stops them dead in their tracks or we can tell our friends about how we told someone off.

I know this sounds crazy….

BUT…

There are sometimes that letting someone else feel like they are winning is the best decision.

If I had proved my point, dropped the mic, and left him speechless.

Victory, right?

Not really.

When your focus shifts to “winning” instead of “understanding,” everybody actually loses, including you. And what’s worse is that you can damage a relationship that you will be sorry for doing down the road.

The Science of Why Arguments Backfire

• Stress hijacks your brain. Arguments spike cortisol, the stress hormone. High cortisol reduces memory and problem-solving (McEwen, Journal of Neuroscience, 2017). So in the heat of “winning,” you’re actually performing worse. Sometimes you can make yourself look like a fool and say things that you don’t mean rather than sticking to the facts.

• Relationships weaken. Unresolved conflict is one of the top predictors of dissatisfaction in relationships (UC Berkeley, 2019). At work, that means lost trust and collaboration. I know he has a controlling personality, and I also know things need to be his idea to be an idea that moves forward. So, arguing my point was not going to get me anywhere. 

• People don’t budge. Only 14% of people report changing their mind after an argument (Pew Research Center, 2021). For the other 86%, “winning” just makes them dig in deeper. Especially when you are dealing with “right fighters”. Even if you argue your point and they can see your perspective, they won’t budge. Most of it on purpose. It’s equivalent to a toddler having a temper tantrum.

So sure, you get the satisfaction of being “right.” But the cost? Connection, influence, and long-term results.

There is a CLEAR Way to Handle It

Here’s where the CLEAR Method™ comes in, your playbook for turning conflict into clarity, not competition:

• C – Calm Your Response
  Pause before firing back or maybe say nothing at all and let them get it all out. That reset (Harvard Medical School) gives your brain time to clear the stress fog.

• L – Learn the Patterns
  Notice when the conversation is slipping into point-scoring. Ask yourself: “Am I trying to connect, or just to be right?” Don’t be a “right fighter”

• E – Evidence & Document
  Stick to facts, not emotions. Facts lower defensiveness and help the other person hear you.

• A – Act Strategically
  Shift from proving your case to asking questions: “What’s most important to you here?” That move turns debate into dialogue. In this case, the most important thing here is that this highly visible project gets completed timely. My boss is under pressure and my team needs to find a way to work around the drama between the teams.

• R – Rebuild Confidence
  Afterward, reflect on what you did well. Even if you didn’t “win,” you showed leadership under pressure. That builds long-term confidence.

Why This Matters for Leaders whether or not you have a Leadership title

Think about your next high-stakes meeting. Do you want to be the leader who “won” the argument but lost the team’s trust? Or the one who steered conflict toward clarity, collaboration, and results?

The CLEAR leader doesn’t chase victory. They create alignment. And alignment wins more than any argument ever could.

The Takeaway is this…

Winning an argument might boost your ego for five minutes. But practicing the CLEAR Method™ boosts your influence for a lifetime. Next time you feel the urge to “win,” remember to pause, breathe, and reflect. Clarity beats conquest.

Visit my website for coaching and upcoming courses! https://www.jrsrmanagement.com/

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Three things to ALWAYS remember:

Be CONFIDENT!

Be EMPATHETIC!

AND ALWAYS HAVE PASSION!!!!