The #1 Mistake People Make in Conflict (And How to Avoid It)

Imagine this: You’re in a team meeting, and your colleague, Alex, casually critiques your project plan in front of the entire group. You feel your pulse quicken, your jaw clench, and that familiar feeling bubbling up… frustration. Before you know it, you’re either biting back with a sharp response or sitting there silently, mentally rehearsing what you should’ve said.

Later, you replay the conversation in your head a dozen times. You think,
“Why did I say that?” or “Why didn’t I just speak up?”

We’ve all been there. And if this sounds familiar, you’re not alone.

Most conflicts don’t escalate because of the topic itself. They blow up because of how we respond in the heat of the moment.

The Science of Why We React

When tensions rise, your brain kicks into fight-or-flight mode… a built-in survival mechanism that’s been around since our ancestors were running from saber-toothed tigers.

Neurobiologist Dr. Joseph LeDoux found that emotional stimuli get routed through the amygdala, the part of your brain responsible for processing emotions, before the rational part (your prefrontal cortex) even gets involved.¹

Translation? You’re often reacting emotionally before you’ve had time to think. That’s why you blurt out something you regret or completely shut down when confronted.

• In fact, 65% of workplace conflicts stem from poor communication or misunderstandings.²

• And according to the Harvard Business Review, unresolved workplace conflicts can cost companies $359 billion annually in lost productivity and employee turnover.³

But what’s the real mistake that sets all of this into motion?

The #1 Mistake: Trying to Win the Argument

When people enter a conflict, they often come in with one goal: to win.

They’re not focused on solving the problem …they’re focused on being right. And when both parties dig in their heels, conflict becomes a battle where no one walks away satisfied.

The problem?

• Harvard researchers found that 90% of conflicts escalate because people feel unheard, invalidated, or misunderstood.⁴

• Plus, studies show that 68% of employees report that unresolved conflicts negatively impact their morale and productivity.⁵

When your focus shifts from understanding to winning, the conversation turns into a tug-of-war …where each side is pulling harder without ever moving forward.

Why Winning Feels So Good (But Causes So Much Harm)

Here’s the thing — winning feels good because it releases dopamine, the brain’s “reward” chemical. You get a short-term sense of satisfaction. But in the long run, winning at all costs often comes with collateral damage:

✅ Damaged relationships
✅ Loss of trust
✅ Increased resentment

Think about it: How often have you walked away from an argument where you “won” but felt disconnected or distant from the other person afterward?

The Fix: Shift from Winning to Understanding

Here’s where the magic happens. The best way to diffuse conflict isn’t by out-talking or outsmarting the other person …it’s by seeking to understand their perspective first.

This small shift changes everything.

When you listen to understand instead of listening to respond, you create an environment where people feel heard and valued. And guess what? When people feel heard, they become less defensive and more open to collaboration.

3 Strategies to Shift from Conflict to Collaboration

Here’s how you can do it:

1. Pause Before You React (The Power of 5 Seconds)

When emotions flare, pause for five seconds before responding. This gives your rational brain a chance to catch up with your emotions.

👉 Why it works: Studies show that even a brief pause activates your prefrontal cortex, allowing you to assess the situation logically instead of emotionally.

During those five seconds, silently repeat a phrase like, “I’m here to understand, not react.” This reinforces a mindset of curiosity rather than defensiveness.

2. Practice Reflective Listening

Want to instantly lower tension in a conversation? Reflect back what you hear.

👉 Try phrases like:

• “It sounds like you’re frustrated because…”

• “I hear that you’re concerned about…”

• “Help me understand what’s most important to you right now.”

Why it works: Research from the Gottman Institute shows that when people feel truly heard, their physiological stress levels decrease by 23%.⁶

3. Ask Curiosity-Driven Questions

When you feel tension rising, flip the dynamic by asking thoughtful questions that show you’re genuinely interested in their perspective.

👉 Ask things like:

• “What’s your biggest concern about this situation?”

• “Can you walk me through how you see this playing out?”

• “What would a good resolution look like for you?”

Questions that begin with “What” or “How” encourage deeper reflection and reduce defensiveness.

The 3-Second Rule That Saves Relationships

If you’re looking for a quick hack to improve your conflict resolution skills, try this:

Pause for 3 seconds before responding in a difficult conversation.

👉 According to research from Dr. John Gottman, couples who use a brief pause before responding during conflicts improve their relationship satisfaction by 40%.⁷ This technique works just as well in professional settings as it does in personal ones.

When you pause, you give yourself time to assess whether you’re reacting emotionally or responding thoughtfully.

Bonus: Flip the Script in Real Life

Here’s a practical way to apply these techniques immediately:

Scenario: A colleague disagrees with your idea in a meeting. Instead of reacting defensively, try saying:
👉 “It sounds like you’re concerned about [insert their point]. Can you tell me more about that?”

This approach makes them feel heard and opens the door for constructive dialogue.

 What Happens When You Make This Shift?

When you move from winning to understanding, you create an environment where:
✅ People feel valued and heard.
✅ Conflict becomes a catalyst for growth and collaboration.
✅ Trust and respect deepen over time.

Your Action Plan: Next Time Conflict Strikes…

1. Pause and breathe. Give your brain a moment to shift gears.

2. Listen to understand, not to respond. Reflect and ask questions.

3. Aim for collaboration, not competition. Seek a win-win outcome.

Remember, conflict isn’t something to avoid — it’s an opportunity to strengthen relationships, sharpen your leadership skills, and build trust.

So the next time you’re faced with a difficult conversation, ask yourself:
👉 “Do I want to win… or do I want to understand?”

Your future self (and your relationships) will thank you.

Grab my free eBook, Discipline Made Simple: 5 Proven Steps to Transform Your Life in the Next 30 Days— https://www.jrsrmanagement.com/signup-f3ab2053-5e66-4f03-8c95-a0e65717abec

Three things to ALWAYS remember:

Be CONFIDENT!

Be EMPATHETIC!

AND ALWAYS HAVE PASSION!!!!